Farming as Therapy

Yes, don't fall over, I'm back. Where was I?

Life is good. Life is still hard, full of more bills than money, my father has breast cancer, Brad is hardly ever home, but life is good. All the animals have come through the winter well and in good health, Brad's travels are safe, and more work is pouring in, my job is going well, and spring is here.

The animals have been making conversations moodle around in my head lately. When people find out I have 40 acres, dogs, cats, horses, cows, and chickens, they are astonished. How can you work full time, take care of all those animals, and have time for anything else? And I'm astonished that they think is is so difficult. But it has become commonplace for me. It takes less than an hour a day to take care of all my critters. More if I have to clean the chicken coop, but really, the animals take far less time than laundry does!

And I certainly enjoy it more than doing laundry! The horses nicker when I go outside, the cats all come running to see me, the chickens talk a little louder, and of course the dogs are always happy to see me. The cows are over at the neighbors, and we have agreed to nod politely to each other across the pasture. It's better that way.

If anyone had told me five years ago that I would keep chickens, and still get a thrill everytime I find an egg in the nesting boxes, I would have told them they were out of their minds. And the fact that I have a garden, and actually have grown things, made my own tomato sauce???? I killed an air fern people. But more and more people all over this country are getting into farming, raising their own meat and produce. It's a pheonomenon that is sweeping our culture, and I'm fascinated by it.

It's not that farming, or ranching, or whatever you want to call it is inherently noble or romantic. Shovel out a really dirty chicken coop, and see how much romance you feel. But there is great satisfaction in cooking with produce you just picked from your backyard, making bread with honey from your boss's ranch, and eggs from your hens. Grilling a steak from a beef you raised, knowing no hormones were given to the animal. Hens clucking contentedly while searching for the juciest bugs, horses munching on fresh pasture, barn cats keeping the mouse population under control while checking in for head pats. It's dirty, it's smelly, it's hard work, and I love all of it. I feel more connected to my life. I can get out of my head.

I think, and this is only based on my experience, that this is the real reason why people are so taken with getting back to the basics of life. We have all gotten so disconnected from our own selves, our own emotions, that it takes weeding a garden, collecting eggs, caring for another creature, to allow us to feel again. To take some physical satisfaction from something tangible, real, and self-nurturing. Technology is fabulous, but I really believe caring for all my critters helps me care for myself.

Tylenol Baby

Went to bed last night with a headache, and woke up with the new, improved version!! Almost migraine, not quite. So, after I nibbled a bit of breakfast, two Tylenol were in order. Almost migraine is gone people. I heart Tylenol.

Also, having eaten two very large holiday meals two days in a row, I'm so looking forward to my small turkey sandwich for lunch today. I don't think I'll be doing much cooking for the next few days. Hell, breathing was a problem last night!

All Will Be Well

Positive thinking is not making things easier, or better. Some days it's been a struggle to come up with one positive thing. I had a huge meltdown last weekend, and while I needed it, crying for two days is not fun people. My nose rivaled Rudolph.

But I am determined to keep my head down and get through this patch of life. I have a husband who would walk over glass, through volcanoes, whatever it takes to be with me. I feel the same about him. I have a healthy daughter who, while making some choices that leave me banging my head against the wall, is making her own way through life, and I am proud of her for that. I have a safe, warm home that I share with the aforementioned husband, and some critters who are good for some laughs, and if all else fails, very good for snuggling with when meltdowns occur.

I have food in the pantry, chocolate covered peanut butter balls in the freezer (sweet mercy, I love my mother-in-law), yarn and fabric in the sewing studio. Family and friends all over the country who love me. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they all love me.

So I'm gritting my teeth, marching forward, looking for at least one positive thing a day. And my mantra for 2010 will be "All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well." It's a lovely quote, and I have no idea who said it, but they are my positive thing for today.

If you are reading this? I love you. Just the way you are. Thanks for being part of my life. The good part!

Ho Ho Ho Dammit

Life has been - well kinda tough lately. Money is in very short supply, and it looks like Christmas will be a skimpy affair at my house this year. Now, I'm not looking for sympathy here. Lots of people are in much worse shape than my family. Much worse. I just need to get some things off my chest so I can get on with my New Year resolutions. Yes, New Year resolutions, before Christmas. I'm trying out a new approach here people.

Bitching, moaning, and whining about the lack of money does not, for some crazy reason, make more of it appear. I know, you'd think it would just be rolling in, huh? So, I decided this morning to try a different approach. I'm going to start picking one thing to be thankful for everyday. Through gritted teeth if necessary. Life isn't getting any better with whining, it's only getting more depressing.

So for 2010, I'm going to spend each day being thankful for something. It's going to be hard at first, because whining is much easier. But I hope by the end of the year, thankfulness will come easily to me, and life will be a little better. Something has to change, cuz the way I'm doing it now is not working!!

Kaboom

Okay, so posting everyday for the rest of November went to hell fast, now didn't it? Go figure.

It's only Wednesday, and it's been a hell of a week. My Uncle Paul is very ill, very very ill. The doctors won't commit to wether he will recover or not, and it's scary as hell. Everyone in the family is praying. My mom says we have most of the North American continent covered. I only hope it's enough. Losing him just two months after my Grandma Betty would be to cruel.

And now Brad has laid a huge bombshell on me. Work in Idaho is good, and looking to get better. If it does get as good as things indicate, Brad wants to talk about both of us moving there temporarily. Renting the house out to Sara and her boyfriend. My first reaction? No, I can't leave my home, my chickens, my sewing room, my job that I love. Second reaction? I miss my husband terribly. And he misses me. He was out of town when Mason died, when my Grandma Betty died, and now while Uncle Paul is so very sick. I would love to have his strong shoulder to physically lean on while I worry. That shoulder is always there whenever I need it, for whatever I need it for, but I certainly miss having his arms around me. And it works on him that he can't be here for me in person.

So, that's my dilemma for the day. I am so grateful that the problem is too much work, and not the opposite. But whichever way things end up going, it's going to be very difficult. Sigh.

Crap, I joined Facebook. Thanks alot Dani.

Bad day/Good day

Hmm, I think I forgot I had a blog for a looonnngg time. Let's see if I can post every day in November, shall we?

Life is life. Good days, bad days, days I wish I didn't have to get out of bed. Today has been a bad/good day. Started out bad, got better. First thing this morning I get a phone call from my cousin Todd. Todd is in a bad situation that he really has no one but himself to blame for, but he isn't ready or willing to realize that yet. Alcohol and drugs are deadly to my family members. Todd hasn't hit bottom yet, and he may never do so. He was in a good rehab program, but he left it because it focused on behaviour modification, and according to him, he doesn't need that. I think he thought he could call me, and I would not know what was going on, and "help" him. I won't. My heart hurts for him, but I can't give him money, or a place to stay, or a job. He says he's sober, living on the streets, etc, etc. Who knows the reality? I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix him, but all I can do is fix the problems in my own life. And I'm so grateful that drugs and alcohol are not problems I have to deal with.

Work is good. I had two people out for two months, and I was working six days a week. Not a recipe for fun. Added to the fact that Brad is out of town all week now, lets just say Kathy was one tired girl.

The good part of today was that I got to talk to my Aunt Linda and my counsin Dani. Todd was the impetous for those phone calls, but these are two women I need to keep in closer contact with. Dani wants me to join Facebook, but I think I really need to get better at posting here and playing with Ravelry (online knitting mecca) before I add another internet thingie I join and don't participate in.

I want to use my time better, and finish projects, keep in touch with friends and loved ones, and not feel so alone. It is very lonely here with only the dogs and the cat for company at night. I am so grateful Brad is working, and we are going to be able to catch up all our bills, make improvements to the property, and lose some of our panic over money. But the price we are paying is steep. I am alone at home, and Brad is alone away from home. We are both homebodies, and love our quiet time with each other. There isn't much of that anymore. We just keep reminding ourselves that this won't last forever, and we have a goal, there is a purpose for this sacrifice. And our time together is so much sweeter. We focus more on each other and our relationship.

This post is rambling, but that's the way my brain is working today. I'm posting though, so that's the important thing.