Before you read this story, be aware. It's not fluff and light. It's dark and sad and may contain triggers for suicide. Also, I promise, I am fine. Not thinking of hurting myself, just because I'm writing about suicide. If you are having thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone, call the Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1-800-273-8255. Don't leave, you are needed.
And now for Dark. This is copyrighted, and may not be used without my permission. Steal my work and I'll feed you to the grizzly bears in my backyard.
The baby was crying again. She rolled over to look at the clock, the only light in the room. 3:17. Her head turned to look at her husband, motionless beside her. Of course he wasn't going to hear the whimpers, he'd drunk himself into a stupor again. She sighed and pushed the covers back.
Walking through the dark house, hearing the hum of the refrigerator, the light of the microwave flashing. The power must have gone out again, she thought to herself. Reaching the baby's room, frowning to find the door closed. She turned the handle, expecting to see the crib highlighted in the soft glow of the nightlight.
More darkness greeted her, and silence. Perhaps the baby had woken when the power flickered and then gone back to sleep? She shuffled carefully to the crib, not wanting to make any noise. A thin blade of light fell through the curtains. She reached the crib, hands gently patting for the sleeping infant. She'd covered the interior twice before it registered that the baby was gone. Gone.
Reality intruded, the fog of sleep and dreams drawing away abruptly. The baby was gone. Forever gone. She sank to the floor, screams strangling her, unable to breath.
After a time she struggled back to her feet. She slowly made her way back to her own room, the sleeping form of her drunken husband still unmoving. She passed the bed, closing the bathroom door behind her silently. There was no need for a light, the bottle was right by the sink where her husband had left it. It was full of pills. She took them two at a time, not stopping until the bottle was empty. She carefully put the lid back on, returning the bottle to it's original position.
Carefully sliding back into bed, she could already feel the first tendrils of sleep and calm snake across her mind. There would be no more waking to the cries of her missing child. No more waking every again, just dark.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Fairy Tales
The whole election year rhetoric has gotten me thinking quite a bit lately. Not about politics, as the ad makers would have liked, but about women's rights and fairy tales. Yes, you read that correctly, fairy tales. Hear me out, I do have a connection.
It really pisses me off when I hear someone talking about empowering women. Mostly because I feel so powerless some days I guess, but also because I really think we (women) just allow our power to be taken away from us at a very early age. We willingly give it up, and then spend the rest of our lives fighting tooth and nail to get it back. And this is where the fairy tales come in.
I loved Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Rapunzel, Cinderella, all of those fairy tale princesses as a girl. I loved the idea of falling in love, and suffering for that love, and being rescued by the handsome prince and living happily ever after. What little girl doesn't love those stories? The romance, the intrigue, all of it custom designed to make your heart beat a little faster, your breath catch, your eyes brim with tears when Prince Charming finally realizes his love and rescues his princess and they drift off the the castle to live happily ever after. My daughter grew up with the Disney movies, and was a different princess every year for Halloween.
For me, the fairy tales implied that if I just found the right guy, and put everything in his hands, all would be well. It wasn't an outright message, but as I look back, it was the absolute undercurrent. No matter how hard the princess fought against the evil queen, she would inevitably fail, and have to wait for the dashing prince to come rescue her. And as subliminal messages go, this one is still hard at work in our society today.
August 26, 1920, women received the right to vote in this country, and almost 100 years later, we still aren't deemed intelligent enough to decide what to do with our own bodies, make the same wage as a man doing the same job, or be treated as equals on a day to day basis. Women are looked down upon for staying home and raising our children, but a women who goes to work to support her family is looked down upon for letting someone else raise her kids. It's a vicious cycle of doubt and discrimination, and makes me both angry and so very utterly sad.
Young girls are so caught up in the romance of the fairy tales we've been fed our entire lives, and we are looking for that Prince Charming, that happily ever after. And so no matter that our parents have taught us that we are just as good as men, we do everything in our power to live up to that helpless princess awaiting rescue. We dress the way we are told, we act the way we think the man we are attracted to wants us to behave, we await the rescue, have the dream wedding, and begin to live happily ever after.
It works for a bit, it really does. And then reality begins to creep in, bills must be paid, children must be raised, and we slowly realize that while he may still be the man of our dreams, he isn't the total sum of our existence, and we have to stand up for ourselves and become responsible for our own happiness. We must begin to fight again for those rights that we so willingly laid aside in the pursuit of love.
Before you get me wrong, I'm not blaming the men here. They've been fed the same stories we girls received, but their role was Prince Charming, Batman, Superman, always arriving to save the day, rescue the damsel in distress, and make the world a better place. Young boys are set up for the same false expectations, perhaps even more so, because it's up to them to provide the happily ever after, and what failures they are if they can't come through.
It's a wonder we've evolved to the point we have. I know quite a few good men who believe a woman are their equals, and I know a few good women who believe they are second class citizens. Now would be a good time to announce how I've never compromised myself, never expected a man to save me, and expected my happily ever after, right?
Bullshit. I bought into the fantasy hook, line, and sinker. I fell in love hard at 16, got pregnant, got damn lucky that he stuck around, and thought that life was going to be peaches and cream from there on out. I'd really like to go back in time and smack myself. I'm 43 now, and fighting every day. I'm just lucky that I have a husband who believes in me more than I believe in myself, and encourages me on every crazy journey I take. I'm struggling every day to empower myself, to be my own Princess Charming, and make my life what I want of it, not what I'm content to be given. And I'm my own worst enemy. I at least am adult enough to admit to myself that the discontent I feel in my life is self-inflicted. And it breaks my heart to see others, men and women both, who are desperately searching for the one person who is going to be the answer to everything, when all they have to do is look in the mirror.
So, all the uproar these days over women's rights, and how the politicians are denying us our equality and control? All the discussion about empowering women? How about women concentrate on empowering themselves first. I'm willing to bet when we stop expecting the men in our lives to save us, most of them will be more than willing to be our cheerleaders instead.
It really pisses me off when I hear someone talking about empowering women. Mostly because I feel so powerless some days I guess, but also because I really think we (women) just allow our power to be taken away from us at a very early age. We willingly give it up, and then spend the rest of our lives fighting tooth and nail to get it back. And this is where the fairy tales come in.
I loved Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Rapunzel, Cinderella, all of those fairy tale princesses as a girl. I loved the idea of falling in love, and suffering for that love, and being rescued by the handsome prince and living happily ever after. What little girl doesn't love those stories? The romance, the intrigue, all of it custom designed to make your heart beat a little faster, your breath catch, your eyes brim with tears when Prince Charming finally realizes his love and rescues his princess and they drift off the the castle to live happily ever after. My daughter grew up with the Disney movies, and was a different princess every year for Halloween.
For me, the fairy tales implied that if I just found the right guy, and put everything in his hands, all would be well. It wasn't an outright message, but as I look back, it was the absolute undercurrent. No matter how hard the princess fought against the evil queen, she would inevitably fail, and have to wait for the dashing prince to come rescue her. And as subliminal messages go, this one is still hard at work in our society today.
August 26, 1920, women received the right to vote in this country, and almost 100 years later, we still aren't deemed intelligent enough to decide what to do with our own bodies, make the same wage as a man doing the same job, or be treated as equals on a day to day basis. Women are looked down upon for staying home and raising our children, but a women who goes to work to support her family is looked down upon for letting someone else raise her kids. It's a vicious cycle of doubt and discrimination, and makes me both angry and so very utterly sad.
Young girls are so caught up in the romance of the fairy tales we've been fed our entire lives, and we are looking for that Prince Charming, that happily ever after. And so no matter that our parents have taught us that we are just as good as men, we do everything in our power to live up to that helpless princess awaiting rescue. We dress the way we are told, we act the way we think the man we are attracted to wants us to behave, we await the rescue, have the dream wedding, and begin to live happily ever after.
It works for a bit, it really does. And then reality begins to creep in, bills must be paid, children must be raised, and we slowly realize that while he may still be the man of our dreams, he isn't the total sum of our existence, and we have to stand up for ourselves and become responsible for our own happiness. We must begin to fight again for those rights that we so willingly laid aside in the pursuit of love.
Before you get me wrong, I'm not blaming the men here. They've been fed the same stories we girls received, but their role was Prince Charming, Batman, Superman, always arriving to save the day, rescue the damsel in distress, and make the world a better place. Young boys are set up for the same false expectations, perhaps even more so, because it's up to them to provide the happily ever after, and what failures they are if they can't come through.
It's a wonder we've evolved to the point we have. I know quite a few good men who believe a woman are their equals, and I know a few good women who believe they are second class citizens. Now would be a good time to announce how I've never compromised myself, never expected a man to save me, and expected my happily ever after, right?
Bullshit. I bought into the fantasy hook, line, and sinker. I fell in love hard at 16, got pregnant, got damn lucky that he stuck around, and thought that life was going to be peaches and cream from there on out. I'd really like to go back in time and smack myself. I'm 43 now, and fighting every day. I'm just lucky that I have a husband who believes in me more than I believe in myself, and encourages me on every crazy journey I take. I'm struggling every day to empower myself, to be my own Princess Charming, and make my life what I want of it, not what I'm content to be given. And I'm my own worst enemy. I at least am adult enough to admit to myself that the discontent I feel in my life is self-inflicted. And it breaks my heart to see others, men and women both, who are desperately searching for the one person who is going to be the answer to everything, when all they have to do is look in the mirror.
So, all the uproar these days over women's rights, and how the politicians are denying us our equality and control? All the discussion about empowering women? How about women concentrate on empowering themselves first. I'm willing to bet when we stop expecting the men in our lives to save us, most of them will be more than willing to be our cheerleaders instead.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Words
Words. They swirl in my brain, flow from my fingers (sometimes, most of the time, I'm digging for them), float up from a page. Where would we be without them? How would we communicate? What if you couldn't speak or write your needs, desires, frustrations for just an hour? I cannot begin to imagine, and frankly I don't want to.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." We've all recited that little piece of crap, haven't we? In my life, words have always inflicted the worst wounds, left the worst scars. I wish I could say I've never inflicted wounds with my own words, but lying to yourself is the worst sin. I've learned the hard way to guard my tongue, swallow words that might cause pain to another. Holding my tongue is damn hard. I've worked with the public for 22 years now, and I'm pretty good at politically correct speech, but I still find myself biting my tongue, trying desperately to find a better way to word something, or say nothing at all.
Lately, I worry I've spent so much time censoring myself that I've actually damaged by ability to write. What used to come so easily is now hard work that leaves me close to tears some nights. I can close my eyes, visualize the scene, and there is a missing connection between my brain and my fingers. In the time I used to be able to write a chapter I'm lucky if I can get a couple of paragraphs. And it pisses me off. Which in turn makes the writing just that much harder.
This is the stuff that I think about during the day, while I'm working. The power of something as simple as a word, from a loved one, friend, or even complete stranger. How it can be the pivot that sends you soaring or plummeting. We are truly fragile creatures, mentally and emotionally. Words are both the most dangerous weapon and the medicine we cannot live without.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." We've all recited that little piece of crap, haven't we? In my life, words have always inflicted the worst wounds, left the worst scars. I wish I could say I've never inflicted wounds with my own words, but lying to yourself is the worst sin. I've learned the hard way to guard my tongue, swallow words that might cause pain to another. Holding my tongue is damn hard. I've worked with the public for 22 years now, and I'm pretty good at politically correct speech, but I still find myself biting my tongue, trying desperately to find a better way to word something, or say nothing at all.
Lately, I worry I've spent so much time censoring myself that I've actually damaged by ability to write. What used to come so easily is now hard work that leaves me close to tears some nights. I can close my eyes, visualize the scene, and there is a missing connection between my brain and my fingers. In the time I used to be able to write a chapter I'm lucky if I can get a couple of paragraphs. And it pisses me off. Which in turn makes the writing just that much harder.
This is the stuff that I think about during the day, while I'm working. The power of something as simple as a word, from a loved one, friend, or even complete stranger. How it can be the pivot that sends you soaring or plummeting. We are truly fragile creatures, mentally and emotionally. Words are both the most dangerous weapon and the medicine we cannot live without.
Monday, June 11, 2012
If at first you don't succeed...
Wowsers, two years since my last post. Hmm, time to begin again. Time to get myself back into the habits and practices that make me happy. Writing here is good practice for writing period. And I'm kinda good at this, if I would just post a bit more. (snort)
Life is complicated. Brad is still working out of town, in North Dakota now. I'm so happy for the work, for the money to pay the bills, but so unhappy without my husband, my best friend. It is hard, and the next person who tells me how great it must be to not have my husband "in the way all the time" is going to get punched in the nose. Seriously.
I spend most of my time reminding myself of my blessings, and I have so very, very many. But I'm struggling here, with being alone so much. And my writing, my sewing, the things I love so very much are suffering, because I can't muster the energy to focus on doing those things. And I certainly haven't been talking about it, to anyone! Not that I'm ashamed of being sad or depressed, but I have so many good things in my life, and really, should I be complaining about the fact that my husband is gone so much working when so many others are out of work and would be happy to be in our position??? Yeah, martyr much Kat????
So, I'm going to make a concentrated effort to be present more, here, in my life. And I'm going to write about it, because it makes me happy, and I'm good at it. It may not be pretty for a bit, but bear with me, and I will get better, I promise.
Life is complicated. Brad is still working out of town, in North Dakota now. I'm so happy for the work, for the money to pay the bills, but so unhappy without my husband, my best friend. It is hard, and the next person who tells me how great it must be to not have my husband "in the way all the time" is going to get punched in the nose. Seriously.
I spend most of my time reminding myself of my blessings, and I have so very, very many. But I'm struggling here, with being alone so much. And my writing, my sewing, the things I love so very much are suffering, because I can't muster the energy to focus on doing those things. And I certainly haven't been talking about it, to anyone! Not that I'm ashamed of being sad or depressed, but I have so many good things in my life, and really, should I be complaining about the fact that my husband is gone so much working when so many others are out of work and would be happy to be in our position??? Yeah, martyr much Kat????
So, I'm going to make a concentrated effort to be present more, here, in my life. And I'm going to write about it, because it makes me happy, and I'm good at it. It may not be pretty for a bit, but bear with me, and I will get better, I promise.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Farming as Therapy
Yes, don't fall over, I'm back. Where was I?
Life is good. Life is still hard, full of more bills than money, my father has breast cancer, Brad is hardly ever home, but life is good. All the animals have come through the winter well and in good health, Brad's travels are safe, and more work is pouring in, my job is going well, and spring is here.
The animals have been making conversations moodle around in my head lately. When people find out I have 40 acres, dogs, cats, horses, cows, and chickens, they are astonished. How can you work full time, take care of all those animals, and have time for anything else? And I'm astonished that they think is is so difficult. But it has become commonplace for me. It takes less than an hour a day to take care of all my critters. More if I have to clean the chicken coop, but really, the animals take far less time than laundry does!
And I certainly enjoy it more than doing laundry! The horses nicker when I go outside, the cats all come running to see me, the chickens talk a little louder, and of course the dogs are always happy to see me. The cows are over at the neighbors, and we have agreed to nod politely to each other across the pasture. It's better that way.
If anyone had told me five years ago that I would keep chickens, and still get a thrill everytime I find an egg in the nesting boxes, I would have told them they were out of their minds. And the fact that I have a garden, and actually have grown things, made my own tomato sauce???? I killed an air fern people. But more and more people all over this country are getting into farming, raising their own meat and produce. It's a pheonomenon that is sweeping our culture, and I'm fascinated by it.
It's not that farming, or ranching, or whatever you want to call it is inherently noble or romantic. Shovel out a really dirty chicken coop, and see how much romance you feel. But there is great satisfaction in cooking with produce you just picked from your backyard, making bread with honey from your boss's ranch, and eggs from your hens. Grilling a steak from a beef you raised, knowing no hormones were given to the animal. Hens clucking contentedly while searching for the juciest bugs, horses munching on fresh pasture, barn cats keeping the mouse population under control while checking in for head pats. It's dirty, it's smelly, it's hard work, and I love all of it. I feel more connected to my life. I can get out of my head.
I think, and this is only based on my experience, that this is the real reason why people are so taken with getting back to the basics of life. We have all gotten so disconnected from our own selves, our own emotions, that it takes weeding a garden, collecting eggs, caring for another creature, to allow us to feel again. To take some physical satisfaction from something tangible, real, and self-nurturing. Technology is fabulous, but I really believe caring for all my critters helps me care for myself.
Life is good. Life is still hard, full of more bills than money, my father has breast cancer, Brad is hardly ever home, but life is good. All the animals have come through the winter well and in good health, Brad's travels are safe, and more work is pouring in, my job is going well, and spring is here.
The animals have been making conversations moodle around in my head lately. When people find out I have 40 acres, dogs, cats, horses, cows, and chickens, they are astonished. How can you work full time, take care of all those animals, and have time for anything else? And I'm astonished that they think is is so difficult. But it has become commonplace for me. It takes less than an hour a day to take care of all my critters. More if I have to clean the chicken coop, but really, the animals take far less time than laundry does!
And I certainly enjoy it more than doing laundry! The horses nicker when I go outside, the cats all come running to see me, the chickens talk a little louder, and of course the dogs are always happy to see me. The cows are over at the neighbors, and we have agreed to nod politely to each other across the pasture. It's better that way.
If anyone had told me five years ago that I would keep chickens, and still get a thrill everytime I find an egg in the nesting boxes, I would have told them they were out of their minds. And the fact that I have a garden, and actually have grown things, made my own tomato sauce???? I killed an air fern people. But more and more people all over this country are getting into farming, raising their own meat and produce. It's a pheonomenon that is sweeping our culture, and I'm fascinated by it.
It's not that farming, or ranching, or whatever you want to call it is inherently noble or romantic. Shovel out a really dirty chicken coop, and see how much romance you feel. But there is great satisfaction in cooking with produce you just picked from your backyard, making bread with honey from your boss's ranch, and eggs from your hens. Grilling a steak from a beef you raised, knowing no hormones were given to the animal. Hens clucking contentedly while searching for the juciest bugs, horses munching on fresh pasture, barn cats keeping the mouse population under control while checking in for head pats. It's dirty, it's smelly, it's hard work, and I love all of it. I feel more connected to my life. I can get out of my head.
I think, and this is only based on my experience, that this is the real reason why people are so taken with getting back to the basics of life. We have all gotten so disconnected from our own selves, our own emotions, that it takes weeding a garden, collecting eggs, caring for another creature, to allow us to feel again. To take some physical satisfaction from something tangible, real, and self-nurturing. Technology is fabulous, but I really believe caring for all my critters helps me care for myself.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tylenol Baby
Went to bed last night with a headache, and woke up with the new, improved version!! Almost migraine, not quite. So, after I nibbled a bit of breakfast, two Tylenol were in order. Almost migraine is gone people. I heart Tylenol.
Also, having eaten two very large holiday meals two days in a row, I'm so looking forward to my small turkey sandwich for lunch today. I don't think I'll be doing much cooking for the next few days. Hell, breathing was a problem last night!
Also, having eaten two very large holiday meals two days in a row, I'm so looking forward to my small turkey sandwich for lunch today. I don't think I'll be doing much cooking for the next few days. Hell, breathing was a problem last night!
Friday, December 25, 2009
All Will Be Well
Positive thinking is not making things easier, or better. Some days it's been a struggle to come up with one positive thing. I had a huge meltdown last weekend, and while I needed it, crying for two days is not fun people. My nose rivaled Rudolph.
But I am determined to keep my head down and get through this patch of life. I have a husband who would walk over glass, through volcanoes, whatever it takes to be with me. I feel the same about him. I have a healthy daughter who, while making some choices that leave me banging my head against the wall, is making her own way through life, and I am proud of her for that. I have a safe, warm home that I share with the aforementioned husband, and some critters who are good for some laughs, and if all else fails, very good for snuggling with when meltdowns occur.
I have food in the pantry, chocolate covered peanut butter balls in the freezer (sweet mercy, I love my mother-in-law), yarn and fabric in the sewing studio. Family and friends all over the country who love me. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they all love me.
So I'm gritting my teeth, marching forward, looking for at least one positive thing a day. And my mantra for 2010 will be "All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well." It's a lovely quote, and I have no idea who said it, but they are my positive thing for today.
If you are reading this? I love you. Just the way you are. Thanks for being part of my life. The good part!
But I am determined to keep my head down and get through this patch of life. I have a husband who would walk over glass, through volcanoes, whatever it takes to be with me. I feel the same about him. I have a healthy daughter who, while making some choices that leave me banging my head against the wall, is making her own way through life, and I am proud of her for that. I have a safe, warm home that I share with the aforementioned husband, and some critters who are good for some laughs, and if all else fails, very good for snuggling with when meltdowns occur.
I have food in the pantry, chocolate covered peanut butter balls in the freezer (sweet mercy, I love my mother-in-law), yarn and fabric in the sewing studio. Family and friends all over the country who love me. And I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they all love me.
So I'm gritting my teeth, marching forward, looking for at least one positive thing a day. And my mantra for 2010 will be "All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well." It's a lovely quote, and I have no idea who said it, but they are my positive thing for today.
If you are reading this? I love you. Just the way you are. Thanks for being part of my life. The good part!
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